i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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