I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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