She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
