I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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