Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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