worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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