Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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