Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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