i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
