I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
