i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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