I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
