Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
