You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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