I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
