are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
