So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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