there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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