She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
