Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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