New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Terrible idea I love it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
