i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
