I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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