I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
