she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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