I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
