when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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