Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
