my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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