I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
