I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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