Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
