Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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