Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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