Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
