Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
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My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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