it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
