I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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