guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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