I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
