I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
