Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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