the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
