i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
