I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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