just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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