Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
