Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
