I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud