Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
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I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position