i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.