I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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