The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
