U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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