I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
