Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
