So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
