No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
