I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
