Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
