Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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