My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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